The 3 C’s; Celebrations, Commemorations…and Covid
How the pandemic affected our ceremonies, why we missed joining together and why we shouldn’t ignore our need to honour an occasion.
If you had to postpone a celebration, or if a loss of a loved one meant a heavily-restricted funeral, after the hand that the pandemic had already dealt us, any such situation was a bitter pill to swallow. When we think back over the last few years, we all have moments where we felt robbed; cheated out of something that should have been our rite. Some more than others, obviously, but for most of us - whether that’s a wedding, a goodbye or the joy of sharing a new family member with your nearest and dearest – it feels incredibly unfair. And I personally think it’s more than our inherently British love for “a bit of a do” that makes us feel like this, but what it is?
Why do we feel this way?
If we take weddings for example, is it selfish of us to feel cheated out of a celebration when so many were suffering and struggling? Quite simply, no. Throughout the pandemic, we saw first-hand the damage that limited human contact did. The loneliness it caused, the upset it brought to daily life when people couldn’t have a simple face to face exchange with someone, or a hug if feeling low, or to link arms with a friend as you take your morning stroll. When you consider that in the context of your wedding – one of the most significant days of your life – the affect is multiplied. Family and friends are what connect us, they give us our network. What is a celebration if you don’t have ALL of your loved ones to share it with? Guests are not just the audience; they play an important role in your special day. When you marry someone, you’ve taken a significant step in your life. Congratulations – in person! – are in order and absolutely deserved. Friends and family want to be able to do that, to share your joy, to give you their blessing, to show their pride. Families also relish that official moment to welcome in a new family member; to bring them into the fold as one of their own.
Covid tested us (no pun intended) and indeed, made many couples put full plans on hold. Lots went ahead with very intimate services with restrictions despite this meaning they couldn’t have everything they had dreamed of, and I greatly admire anyone that did so. If anything, it showed that despite a myriad of ever changing (and quite frankly, ridiculous!) rules, an individual’s overriding drive to want to be ever connected to another person, prevailed. Couples still wanted to be married; perhaps the ultimate in human partnerships.
And now wedding blessings or wedding celebrations (whatever we call them) suddenly feel so prevalent. Which is wonderful. Despite already being legally married couples STILL want to celebrate. And celebrate EXACTLY as a marriage should be celebrated. No peering through the door, no restriction of numbers, no deciding between people you hold dear; that’s not what a celebration is. You’ve got married and made that commitment but the next thing in making it feel real is sharing that union with those that you love. And sharing that joy. And sharing who you are as people. Because when we celebrate a union, we also celebrate life, being together, being human and having that connection; these moments truly matter. You want family and friends to eat, drink, laugh and socialize together. It’s ritualistic and we mustn’t forget how important it is to us and to our lives.
So don’t feel as though the moment’s passed. If there is still a niggling in you to have the day YOU wanted, I urge you to do it. Fulfil that need for celebration; let yourselves have that joy. I guarantee that everyone you know will be glad that you did!
When thinking about the pandemic in this context, we cannot ignore the fact that COVID has meant that many families have been unable to say farewell to their loved ones, in the manner they wished for and deserved. Restrictions have meant limited funerals and limited funeral options; this loss has been great and felt by many.
Holding a funeral, ultimately, gives us the chance to say goodbye to a loved one.
This time-honoured practice is also an integral piece of the bereavement puzzle with regards to the acknowledgement and acceptance of your loss. The funeral service (in whatever form) is a powerful part of your grieving process and as a ceremony, it should offer some comfort and peace to anyone feeling the effects of losing someone they love. When you aren’t afforded such commemoration, it’s a second loss; you’ve been denied the right to a fitting goodbye and heartbreakingly, you may have been unable to completely fulfil your loved one’s last wishes.
A funeral can celebrate a life well lived and appreciate the joy that a person brought to the lives of others. It’s a coming together of friends and family; stories are told, and memories are shared. Losing this chance for human connection or internal reflection is painful and should not be underplayed, nor its effects on you underestimated.
With heavily restricted services, you may not have gotten everything out of that ceremony that you needed to and is your rite. As restrictions have lifted, you might now wish to hold a service (or celebration, even) to honour your loved one in the way they would have wanted. It may also feel as if this is a necessary step in you being able to move forward as you navigate your way through life, without the person you held so dear. Please don’t feel that it’s too late to have a farewell or a tribute that you feel is fitting; doing so could offer you so much. You might consider a celebration of life, a memorial service, an ashes interment or scattering of the ashes, or quite simply, a gathering or a party. Any such observances offer you the space to say goodbye, share memories with friends and family and commemorate the person you so deeply miss. And really, it can take place anywhere and however you desire.
But of course, COVID didn’t just rob us of goodbyes but also of hellos.
Maybe a new baby or child came into the family during COVID and it was tricky for your family and friends to meet your new addition. You may feel you’ve missed the initial chance to really welcome your child into your fold and celebrate the brilliance of life and to, well, show them off as proud parents as you should absolutely be able to do! We read many stories of grandparents not being able to meet their new grandchildren. Also, it’s our “network” who support us in those early weeks of parenthood and sometimes you just need that “other person” to visit and unload the dishwasher, make you a cup of tea or – the holy grail! – hold your baby whilst you close your eyes for 10 glorious minutes! A restriction on visitors meant all these little moments were denied.
Those around you, as parents, are connected to your baby; they are part of your circle. Your child will be brought up and in close contact with these people for the rest of their lives and they will influence, support them, and watch them grow. Anyone with children in the family will know how fast this happens and how quickly children – particularly babies – change. To not have been able to lay real eyes on them when they were so fresh and tiny just felt unfair. Whilst we can’t turn back time and get those precious moments back, now that we can mix unrestricted once again with our loved ones, why not take the opportunity to celebrate the joy that child has already given to you and toast the wonder they will undoubtedly bring to the whole family. You could also now choose guide parents; whilst they might have missed out on those early months, they can be recognized for forever being part of your child’s future and what they will bring to the world. Plus you’ve looked after a small human without help for however many months; if nothing else, you deserve to raise a glass to that!
So maybe you have a celebration or a significant moment or a brand-new person that you feel should be honoured.
The pandemic denied us fitting tributes to loved ones, dream weddings, and meeting new little people. Don’t let that be the case. If you have any kind of desire to, for whatever motivation, you can still come together with your loved ones to recognize these moments.
And it doesn’t need to be expensive – none of us are feeling particularly flush after a global pandemic, are we?!
Parks, woodlands, beaches, the local hall, hey, your own (or someone else’s!) back garden. We can celebrate and/or commemorate anywhere. What makes these occasions is those that surround you and in coming together, we do what we do best as people; we connect. We didn’t just miss our passion for a good knees up, we missed the collectiveness of celebration. We missed being human and - whether that’s joining in grief or joy – experiencing our emotions….together.
So, it doesn’t matter how much time has passed, if you’ve got something you’d like to celebrate, do it. Afterall, everyone knows the best parties always start late.